My Head is in a Cloud

This one is a bit of a ramble. Right now, there isn’t much clarity. The minute an idea pops into my head, it disappears, out of view, into the cloud. It feels impossible to focus. This cloud comes routinely, once a month. It comes with my monthly bleed and forces me to pause. At times, this might be wildly inconvenient, but most often, the timing is actually perfect.

The cloud invites me to stop creating and practice reflection. In the fog, nothing new can be born because I can’t “see.” This encourages me to consider the things that I focused my energy on in the last cycle. 

What do I want to do for work?

In the month of January, a lot of my attention was focused on answering the question, “What do I want to do for work?” For the last few years, I’ve been playing with different jobs. I already know that I’m a teacher. In addition to teaching, I wrote a book and some articles and played with the idea of being a writer. I did some personal assistant work. That was okay. Some nannying. I offered mentorship services and online classes. I organized workshops and supported events and resisted the idea of being a space holder.

A space holder is a person who creates and maintains an environment that invites people to emotionally heal. In the western world, a therapist could be an example of a space holder. The term is most often used with “alternative” or holistic methods of healing.

In the month of January, I decided to give “space holding” a fair share of my attention. In the last few years, I’ve held space in a very unattached way. I didn’t seek out many opportunities, but if someone made a request, I would show up. That is true with many of the workshops and ceremonies I facilitated except for cacao. I asked to hold space in cacao ceremonies. I wanted the experience for some reason. But after I got it, I didn’t really do anything with it.

In the past, I noticed people wanting to be held by me. Maybe they would sit me down in a corner and ask question after question seeking my advice. Maybe they requested a guided meditation. Maybe they opened up to me about their problems. I noticed this and often resisted. I didn’t want to be responsible for them. I was still figuring out my own stuff and I didn’t understand why they were coming to me or what they saw. 

But they kept coming.

So in January, I set my attention on serving cacao and reconnecting with this plant medicine. I learned that not only am I quite good at holding space, I like doing it. In addition to serving cacao, I started organizing free and informal women’s circles and held one improv playshop. I’m a leader and a community organizer. I can’t help it and… I want to stop resisting.

To answer the question in simple terms :

• Paid work

  • Teaching

  • Mentoring (limited space)

  • Cacao Ceremonies

  • Event organizer

• Work for the heart

  • Women’s circles

  • Newsletter

  • Blog / book writing

Something was blocking me

In the month of January, I was recovering from a very emotionally charged December. Intuitively, my walls went up and I became quite protective. I was receiving a lot of unwanted attention from men and trying to manage to be happy in the presence of a very angry (and unhealthy) ex lover. We were at the end of a 3 year cycle and I’m relieved that it's over. Our romantic relationship ended 6 months into knowing each other, but there was a spiritual connection. We stayed friends and offered each other support from a distance. We hadn’t seen each other since May 2022 and for some reason, he hated to see me happy. He hated seeing me in Pai. He was furious at my existence. I gave him space and attention. Even though he was being mean, I offered him kindness and compassion. I’m pretty sure that only fueled more anger.

As a result, I became quite cautious, skeptical, and emotionally distant from men, except one. There’s one brother here who I felt and feel quite safe with. In the beginning, we kept running into each other. Everyday, there was some spontaneous and deep conversation happening without prompting or any effort. We looked closely at our developing connection and neither of us was interested in a sexual relationship or committed partnership. I think that’s why I had space for him. An intimate, platonic, connection bloomed and that has been healing for me.

While my walls were up, I was clearing and making space for something good. For someone healthy. I’m open and hesitant. I’m filling the space with love and security. It’s pure light and I know that at some point, there’s gonna be a person I fancy who looks at me and says something like, “I see you. I accept you. I want you,” and that absolutely terrifies me. I am afraid to be loved. It’s only been a few years that I’ve been receiving healthy love. My body is conditioned from 2.5 decades of toxicity and is still learning how to feel safe. How to trust people. The cool thing is that mentally and emotionally, I’m pretty close to being there. My body still has feelings of fear and anxiety, but I’ve learned to observe these sensations and make space for them without attaching to them.

In conclusion

The cloud is not so bad.

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