Trust your path

Have you ever been walking through life feeling confident and cool when you see your neighbor doing something different and immediately wonder if you’re doing everything wrong?

Yeah, me neither. 

Comparison really isn’t helpful when it comes to life. There’s so much variety in each of us from our desires, plans, background, healing journey, etc. It makes no sense to compare ourselves to each other, but we still do it.

When I left the United States in 2021 to travel, I had no idea that everything about me would change. My life before and after travel is like night and day. I used to have some ideas about how my life would go. I thought I’d have my first child at 25. I never expected to have a great partner (I assumed I’d have to settle). I thought I’d be a teacher at the same school for 25+ years and that I’d be fulfilled by that.

If you would’ve have asked me at 20 where I thought I’d be at 30, I might have said something like this:

Well, I’ll probably have 2 or 3 children by then. I’m not sure exactly where- maybe in DC. I always liked that place with the historical buildings and it seems there’s space to make a difference there. It seems like the schools are in need. Or maybe Philadelphia. Or… I don’t know. Ideally, I’d like to come back to my hometown, but I don’t know how realistic that is. I guess I’ll be married. Hopefully, we’re happy. I imagine having a lot of energy for my students. I’ll organize innovative lessons and my class will be a safe place for them. Maybe I can be a leader in the school and inspire some change. Mmm… and then I guess we go on holiday sometimes. I’m not sure about my husband’s job, but I’ll have time off in the summers to spend time with the kids or maybe do some summer camps. We won't be rich, but will be financially secure... Yeah, I guess that’s it.

Now that I’m 30, here’s the reality:

Well, I’ve been living nomadically for the last 4 years. I just finished traveling in Asia where I met an amazing man who seems to be “life partner” material- not even because we’re forcing it, but because naturally, we just line up. Now, I’m in Europe and trying to find a long term visa option. Hmm… I work online teaching English and sharing content (blog posts, podcast episodes, newsletters, etc) about living a meaningful life. I dream of building a school that is small, in nature, and supported by the community. My finances need some work, but I don’t regret my decision to prioritize mental health over making money these last few years. I’m free… (within the limits of the bureaucracy that runs the world). Everything in my life is a conscious choice. I’m loved and my relationships are healthy and fulfilling. I’ve done so many things I never imagined possible: wrote a book, hitchhiked in different countries, found the underground hippie world I always suspected existed. My life is my wildest dreams come true.

Comparison

When I am with myself, I feel calm and secure. I like the life I’m living. I like the person I am. I love the things I’m doing. Even though I’m quite satisfied and fulfilled, sometimes, I think I’m doing it wrong. When I see Victoria getting her PhD and finding fulfillment in what has been, is, and will continue to be an inspiring career in education, I wonder why I wasn’t able to stay. When I see Eliot’s townhouse, decorated with carpets, art, instruments, and knickknacks from various countries he’s visited, I wonder why I haven’t created a home for myself. When I see sister after sister announce their pregnancies with enthusiasm and joy and then give birth, I wonder why I haven’t been invited into the mom club yet…

The first thing to note about comparison is that regardless of what people post on social media or what you perceive their lives to be, you’re wrong. We have no idea what that person is actually feeling or experiencing. We don’t know how hard they work or how well they sleep at night. Sometimes, we fantasize about lives outside of our own. We put them on a pedestal, but these fantasies don’t have any real substance. We can’t feel them. 

For example, a lot of people fantasize about being a traveler. They imagine exotic places, great food, cultural experiences, and so much more. They imagine being on a vacation forever, but this is far from the whole truth. One, you get bored. Two, you run out of money. Three, it’s exhausting and decision fatigue is real. Four, it’s hard to make friends. Not to say that traveling isn't also great, but there's a lot that goes into it. So even if someone you know is posting pictures from here, there, and everywhere, that doesn’t accurately represent all of the back-matter it took to make that photo possible. 

Letting Go 

Recently, I had my first pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage. Prior to discovering that I was pregnant, I realized that my priorities had changed. Everyone always talks about the ticking clock in a woman’s uterus. Everyone puts pressure on women about children. It’s bullshit. I thought I’d be a mom by 25 and here I am, still childless, and feeling… okay about it. If I didn’t have a miscarriage, I’d feel fine, but seeing the little one…

Anyway, before I knew I was pregnant, I was reflecting on how much fun I was having with Johan, my partner. I realized that in the past, I didn’t put too much attention on the relationship that would bring children into the world. Never having met my biological father, the dynamic of the father or husband wasn’t one I was familiar with. It was completely uncharted territory that my mind couldn’t begin to understand. Even though I just turned 30 and was technically late and “the clock is ticking,” all of a sudden, everything inside of me slowed down. I wasn’t in a rush anymore. Johan and I want children and would be happy to have a child AND we’re also very happy to organize ourselves and continue establishing a solid foundation for our relationship.

Being in this relationship has inspired me to let go of the timeline more than I ever have. I started shedding limiting beliefs in 2021 when I started traveling, but I always held on to motherhood. Now, I’m letting go more. The last 10 years of my life has been such a whirlwind that my 20 year old self never could’ve predicted. Why would I waste my time and energy trying to create a timeline that won’t even be relevant in a year? I’m satisfied with the path I’m on and I’m learning to trust it.

Trusting the path

We’re all sold this lie about planning that makes us believe in predictability. The truth is, nothing is ever known. Letting go of expectations frees us up to play with life and not be devastated when things inevitably shift away from our original desires. I’ve started trusting my path more mostly because it always shows up for me. 

When I don’t get something I thought that I wanted, I’m often presented with an alternative that I didn’t know existed and that matches the root of my desire more than the thing I was going for. Life is always working for me. Having a loving partnership has really elevated this trust. I didn’t think I’d find this. I mean… I hoped and I tried to be patient, but to actually be here? It took years, but along that journey, I was working on myself, building connections, establishing community, and getting clear on what I wanted. I saw Johan sitting by the fire and had a feeling. Essentially, one minute, I'm walking around a festival single and the next, I meet a man and we've just kinda been together since then.

I know that not everyone has this experience. I think attachment is what gets in our way of embracing the flow that allows for the spontaneous fulfillment of our dreams. Sometimes, when we don’t get what we want, we spiral into self-pity. We ask what’s wrong with us and try to force something that clearly isn’t opening up. (At least, I did). That further creates a negative experience and suffering. That’s not to say that we should be happy when things are hard or don’t go our way, but by letting go and trusting the path, moving through those challenges is simpler. Also, it opens our eyes to see other potentialities that we were blind to when we focused our vision on one outcome. 

Ultimately, practicing acceptance is the key. Accept all the emotions/ sensations in your body. Accept the reality of the situation. Accept your limitations. Accept your strengths. Trust that life is working for you.

Final thoughts

Tuning into the body to get to the core of our desires makes a huge difference. We can’t control most things, but we can try to be honest with ourselves. While processing the miscarriage, I was filled with conflicting emotions of guilt, shame, and relief. I will be so happy to be a mom AND I am also quite happy to not be pregnant. So even when my hormones are a mess and prompt me to cry at another woman’s baby announcement, I just sit with the emotions until they pass. And when they pass, I remind myself of the honest truth: I wouldn’t choose that path for myself right now.

Instead of looking at other people’s lives with envy, I’m working to shift my perspective towards one of appreciation- like witnessing something beautiful in nature.

I know where I want to go and am making intentional steps in that direction. I trust myself (and life) to get me there. By waiting for the right time with a peaceful heart and a present perspective, stepping into an opportunity becomes an easy and effortless yes- at least, that’s been true for me so far.

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Alright reader, that’s it for this one. As always, thank you for reading my work! If you feel like you’re getting value from my content and would like to support my craft, you can offer a donation at Buy Me a Coffee or consider subscribing for more, exclusive, content. Thanks for your love and support. Cheers to a healthy humanity!