Reminder: Feelings are for feeling

A few years ago, sometime around the pandemic, someone somewhere said this insightful quote: Feelings are for feeling.

[Edit: It was Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed]

You might be thinking, “Wow, Jaye, thank you for the obvious!” But let’s dive in a little deeper here. Emotions are sensations that live in our bodies. Typically, we have favorable and less favorable sensations based on our own preferences and personal experiences. For the favorable sensations, we generally tend to try to duplicate them and for the unfavorable ones, we tend to avoid them. The phrase, “Feelings are for feeling,” invites us not to attach ourselves to any one emotion and to acknowledge that the job of all feelings is simply to be experienced.

Feelings aren’t for fixing

Recently, I entered into a committed partnership with a man named Johan. I love this guy and am falling in love with him piece by piece. It feels good- better than any relationship that I’ve ever been in. We understand each other and have a lot of fun. We’re able to recover from miscommunications well and have the same values and vision when it comes to life. Johan and I have been traveling together full time for 2 months. We’ve spent most of that time in each other’s company either directly or indirectly. We kept talking about needing space, but we never took it. When he was supposed to take a week to trek by himself in the Himalayas, a weird vein in his knee prompted him to come back to town with me. When I wanted to be in Kathmandu alone, I decided against it because he generously bought ponchos for friends and family back home and ran out of cash. The ATM fees in Nepal were high and I preferred to support him. What I really didn’t want to do was be alone in India, but that’s exactly what ended up happening.

Since arriving in India, I’ve had a couple less than ideal situations out in public. At one park, when with Johan, a man stared us down and started stroking himself in front of me. When I went to the river alone one morning, a baba (spiritual person who wears orange) sat thigh to thigh with me and pulled at my arm and scarf when I stood up to take space. As a person who has experienced multiple traumas at the hands of men, I was feeling triggered and unsafe.

Johan was sure that he wanted to venture alone in India. For 2 months, he organized his travels around my work schedule and since this was his last country before going back home, he knew he wanted the freedom to follow his own rhythm. In addition to buying silver and going with his flow, he had intentions to catch up with an old friend and past love. In 2020, the two of them were traveling together for a brief 2 weeks when covid hit and people went crazy. They’d end up being harassed in public because they were foreigners and were forced into a quarantine center for 45 days. The last time Johan saw Miriam was in the taxi on the way to the airport. After weeks of phone calls and enduring the chaos of an Indian quarantine center, they managed to get repatriate flights back to their home countries.

Johan’s solo adventure would be in the direction of a past lover while I was left in Rishikesh feeling triggered and unsafe. Miriam and her boyfriend had traveled far north where there wasn’t reliable internet for me to work so I wasn’t going with him. This was difficult for me.

Johan and I had just met when he first mentioned Miriam. It was the second time that we got together and he told me that he missed the chance to see an old friend. They were both in Chiang Mai, but didn’t know it. I didn’t think anything of it, until a month later when we met in Ayutthaya. While we discussed the intentions of being monogamous, I asked Johan if he had any secret girlfriends I should know about. He mentioned a curiosity about Miriam. He told me the story of their quarantine in India and how things ended abruptly without having the chance to fully develop. He was honest and said that if we weren’t in an exclusive relationship, he might be open to something with her again.

Weeks went by and the seed of insecurity grew. Alongside that seed, Johan and I started to fall in love. I went with him to Nepal so we could get to know each other more and after two months of dating, we decided that we wanted to continue exploring our relationship. He invited me to go back to Europe with him and I accepted. In addition to being exclusive, we decided to add “committed partnership” to our relationship. Still, that seed of insecurity had been growing. Even though Johan made very intentional steps to make space for me in his life, my anxiety held onto that conversation from the beginning.

The timing was awful. I was hoping Johan could at least wait until I was in the ashram, but our flight restricted our schedule. I had 4 days alone before going to the ashram and in those 4 days, I was flinching when people got too close and wore a “resting bitch face” every time I left my homestay. I didn’t want to be bothered. It seemed to be working well until I took a shower after the river and was met with an overwhelming feeling of dread and abandonment. Stuck in Rishikesh, I felt confident in my relationship but unsure about myself.

For reference, my dream relationship is rooted in freedom - a relationship with a foundation of trust. I believe in this vision completely. My dream partnership is one where we’re secure in ourselves as individuals and in ourselves as a couple. We don’t do things out of obligation, but a genuine desire to support each other. When our needs conflict, we find a solution that is comfortable and honors both of us. We aren’t attached to what a relationship should be, but instead, create something honest and true that meets our specific needs. This is what Johan and I have been practicing. I wasn’t mad at him for leaving, but I was affected by his absence. 

In my body lives a young girl who was abandoned by two dads and abused by the third. So sobbing on the bathroom floor, the sensations of that pain washed over my body with the water. “What should I do?” I asked myself, “Why don’t I feel safe? I’ve traveled to 20+ countries alone. Why am I panicking?”

And then a quiet voice whispered, “Just feel your feelings.”

“The Body Keeps the Score”

For anyone out there who struggles with PTSD, you may or may not have heard of a book called, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. I haven’t had the chance to read it, but from brief encounters with other friends, I learned that the body remembers threats and that’s what activates a trigger. When a soldier can’t handle fireworks on a holiday, it’s because his body remembers the gunfire in war. When a sexual assault survivor smells the scent of her abuser’s cologne, her body can’t help but experience fear. Sensations in the body (emotions) are not something that anyone can control. In this case, the fireworks and the cologne are perceived threats that the body remembers. SO this is why “feelings are for feeling” is so groundbreaking even though it is simple. Those feelings don’t require any action or judgement… they just need to be acknowledged so that the person can move on.

“It’s been a while since I’ve heard you express feeling insecure”

While camping near the Ganges River with Johan, I woke up one morning and called my best friend. Sitting next to the river, I told her about my fears and experiences. I also told her about Miriam and how I was in my feelings that it was in this moment that Johan finally chose to take space. Usually, when plans don’t naturally align, I let it go and accept what is, but in this case I was feeling insecure. My relationship with Johan is making me confront all the insecurities that I thought I ironed out as a single woman. They’re coming to the surface and being put to the test.

“It’s been a while since I’ve heard you express feeling insecure,” Victoria, my best friend, commented after I finished explaining everything. 

“That’s the thing, V, nothing is actually wrong! Nothing is wrong. Everything is really alright, but I’m just filled with all these emotions! But it feels like they’re attached to nothing!”

“You know, someone really smart once told me that feelings are feeling…” she responded sarcastically.

“Wow, that person sounds super cool.”

(It was me. I was the really smart someone).

The test

When I look at the facts… When I look at everything that has happened in the last 4 months of knowing Johan, there’s really nothing to worry about. Johan is clear about his intentions and loyal. He loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me. He wants a committed partnership. He is affectionate and makes space for me. He supports me and my overwhelming emotions. He didn’t go off on his own these last months because I was holding on. Even though I said that it was alright for him to venture on his own, the wounded part inside of me was terrified. He felt this and that’s one of the reasons taking space from each other was prolonged. In the end, we needed it. I needed it. I definitely miss his presence and his kisses and conversation, but I’m happy to be with myself even if I just spend that time hiding in my homestay and fancy cafes.

When it comes to India, being on my own is stressful, but like every other country I’ve visited, I’m adapting. For my morning dip, I figured out a back path through a construction site to access the river without being seen. Wearing headphones means that I don’t hear most of the “Hey honeys” and “Good morning sugars” while walking through town though it didn’t stop one man from reaching out to grab my boob. But getting breakfast in a packed corner shop filled with men, I was treated kindly by the staff and the guys I shared a table with. India is as she is. The dance between redemption and disgust is slow in tempo. I guess both are true. 

Exactly what I need

My body has a lot of emotions that aren’t attached to any real threat anymore. Though my mind is clear and my emotional field is secure, my body holds onto feelings from past traumas. The feelings themselves are useless, but it’s my perception of those sensations that gets in my way. If I feel an emotion, let it move through me, and then let it leave, things are pretty easy. It’s when I’m analyzing and searching for an answer that my mind and emotional field get wrapped into the vortex which isn’t actually helpful.

I’ve chosen to live an adventurous life alongside anxiety and PTSD. I’ve not let my fear stop me from going places or being outrageous in my quest to live a meaningful life. As a result, my symptoms have weakened and my resolve has strengthened. Still, there are times when I have flare ups. I don’t let my fear paralyze me when it comes to life decisions and I don’t want my fear to affect my partner, but this time, it did. Johan held a firm boundary at a sensitive time, but in the end, it honestly made me (and our relationship) stronger.

I got the chance to do the thing that scared me and survive. I was reminded to trust the flow because it has never failed me. I was reminded that I am a safe place for myself even in an unfamiliar setting. Being on my own gave me the chance to really consider what I wanted to do in India and to do those things. Also, it gave Johan and I the chance to practice trusting each other. It tested our commitment to personal freedom and when we came back together, things were sweet and easy.

This post is a long story about my partnership to revisit the simple and powerful lesson about feeling our feelings. They exist. They are real. They are valid. But when it comes down to it, they are just meant to be experienced. They are shaped based on our culture, our perception, and our upbringing. They change constantly. Our emotions can give us valuable information about our values and priorities, but it’s never served me to make decisions from an emotional state of being. Feelings aren’t for fixing. Feelings are for feeling. And feelings aren’t meant to be mistaken for listening to our “gut” feeling - or intuition. That’s a whole other can of worms that we’re not about to unravel now. 

So friend, that’s it for this blog post. Thank you for reading my ramble and as always, if you feel like you’re getting value from my content and would like to support my craft, you can offer a donation at Buy Me a Coffee! Thanks for your love and support. Cheers to a healthy humanity!