Leaving Pai feeling high (on life)
- 4 days ago
- 7 min read
It’s been a while since I’ve written. This season in Pai was an emotional roller coaster with telenovela level drama. Fortunately, my season ended feeling secure and accomplished. Maybe I’ll write another post about the drama later, but for now, I want to celebrate an amazing and calm conclusion.
Nomadic Lifestyle
First, you might be wondering why I’m leaving Pai. Well, I’ve been traveling since May 1, 2021 and the nomadic lifestyle has kind of adopted me. When I left the United States for the first time some years ago, I never expected that I’d end up finding “home” on the other side of the world in Thailand. Living nomadically wasn’t something I chose consciously, but in fact, something that happened organically because of limitations with visas and seasons.
Pai is a place with seasons. There’s the high season when most travelers visit which starts gently in October and ends after Shambhala Festival (mid February). Around February, the smoke comes. I’ve not stayed through smokey season, but air pollution from farmers burning the fields fills the sky and the town becomes pretty empty. The smoke lasts until June and then the rain comes.
I leave for the smoke, but will likely be gone a little longer this year as I sort out my long-term visa for Thailand.
Saturday
I woke up to the birds singing and the sun peaking in through my window. My morning walk brought me through the rice fields with the neighbor's dogs as my companions. Such a peaceful life. After a few hours working on my computer, I ventured to the Saturday market which was quiet because it was still early. Sitting under the big tree, I ate my breakfast and watched the people around me.
When I was done, I shifted gears and slipped on my Spoon Circus shirt. Time for fun! I jogged over to a group of adults and kids playing with circus props and started practicing my juggling. We played silly games and laughed A LOT. I was thoroughly impressed with one kid who managed to throw a ball through 3 moving hoops. JUST WOW! We also sang some great songs. I started yelling The Affirmations Song from Doggyland to Manu (an adult) and he almost started crying!
“Why couldn’t they sing this to me when I was a kid?” he half joked, throwing his hands up.
After Spoon, we went to Dacha to dance to the disco music. On the pavement, there was a group of Chinese tourists really loving our enthusiasm and recording videos. Kitty was especially upbeat and Red was emanating joy. It was such a great time!
Following the Saturday market, I went back home to work and ended the night at Paradise for rehearsal.
Sunday
Similar to Saturday: Birds, computer, food, computer. When the work day was up, I went to Paradise because we had a special “Flight” themed show. The bar was decorated like an airport with a duty free shop, VIP toilet, and security check point. That night, I was a flight attendant and part of the ensemble. The show was immersive which meant that the actors got to play with the audience even when they weren't on stage. Since Paradise Airline was a budget airline , I spent most of my time trying to sell passengers on upgrading to first class or reading their palms when they didn't have ID to board the plane (the stage). My gosh! It was great! The experience? Exceptionally fun. When it was time to fly some Swan Lake ballet music played and we were all tripping in slow motion. Cai lifted me in the air like the plane and we were off!
I cannot begin to retell all the amazing and entertaining things from this night, but honorable mention goes out to the sexy (male) flight attendants who delivered the “meal service” to Britney Spear’s Toxic.
That performance made my life.
Monday
It was time to recover. I took myself to the Ark to do some ballet and prepare for open stage. Open stage is the same concept as open mic except the stage is open for dance, juggling, fire spinning, clowning, etc.
I logged perhaps 3.5 hours in the studio that day.
Tuesday
At 8:30 am, I was back in the studio working on my performance. After feeling satisfied, I got some rest and headed to Daniella’s place for a farewell dinner. I arrived close to on time which meant I was early. Four of us hung out with soft rain and music in the background. By the time people started showing up, dinner was served and I had to run. People would be fighting to get their names on the open stage board and I needed to be there!
I showed up with 2 minutes to spare. Unfortunately, the slots were limited and I ended up being the 2nd performance of the night (too early, but whatever!) My performance was sentimental. It started with me walking on stage hyperventilating (not shown in the video). Remember when I mentioned all that hard stuff that happened this season? Well, this performance was dedicated to the calm after the storm.
Something that made it special was Radek (aka Rod) coming to see me perform. Throughout the season, we had a simple, social, friendship, but in the last few weeks, that shifted. I was hesitant at first and didn’t think I was available for romance because of everything that happened with Neil, but the connection was genuine and gentle... it felt safe.
Anyway, I forgot a few things while performing, but it still landed with the audience. People approached me afterwards with hugs, gratitude, and comments.
I watched the rest of the open stage feeling grateful to be witnessed and to witness others. I laughed and was impressed and so entertained. Paradise surprised me this season and I'm incredibly grateful for this community of performers and artists. After the final bow, Rod and I reluctantly left to get some snacks on Walking Street (a strip filled with vendors). Our hands were filled with orgasmic chocolates, mango sticky rice, and dumplings.
It was so simple and so good.
Wednesday
It was a great morning… I will tell you that. The rest of the day was sleepy and sweet. It rained. My body asked for rest and my bleed was coming. Other than working some, it was an early night for me. I fell asleep to the pitterpatter of rain on my roof.
Thursday
It was a double breakfast kind of day! For those who don’t know, double breakfast is when you go to one restaurant for rice, tofu, and veggies, then to another restaurant for a smoothie bowl. I do double breakfast when I have something active in the afternoon, but the timing is too awkward for a proper lunch. After my double breakfast, I made my way back to the Ark to dance. I really love that place.
After dancing, I was feeling confused. Rod and I were supposed to have a date, but I wasn’t really in the mood so instead, I went home to rest and met up with him at Art in Chai later. It was open mic night and I mostly sat by myself and doodled. Listening to all the performers, I was a little bummed. Originally, I wanted to share a story, but didn't make it in time for the board… These damn boards!
“Anyone for the cajon?” a guitarist asked and I couldn’t resist. (The cajon is a percussion instrument shaped like a box). It felt like life was handing me everything I asked for in my last week in Pai. The guy sang some songs in Spanish and I percussed. It was fun and it made me happy.
Friday
Friday morning, I went on my date with Radek. The two of us ventured into nature, walking barefoot along the river and stopping to munch on some hummus and bread from his favorite restaurant. The whole time, we were getting to know each other, discussing my departure, and analyzing the giant ants with spikes on their backs. It was cute. Afterwards, we had a quick breakfast at Thai Zen, one of my favorite restaurants, before I had to run home to jump on my computer.
Usually, I work Friday nights, but this time, I adjusted my schedule to make space for a special event. My friend Dominic was hosting an ecstatic dance at his place and Daniella was the DJ. I was hype! Throughout the season, Dominic organized different gatherings for friends at his place by the river. We had a few jams and game nights there. Piece by piece, he was making the space more and more communal. It was really nice and actually, I did a symbolic burial ritual for Avery (the miscarriage baby) on his land. When grief from Avery’s would-have-been December birth sunk me, for some reason, laying my child’s spirit to rest at Dom’s felt like the right move. The place is special to me and I was beyond myself to be dancing around a fire that night celebrating life with friends under the stars.
In conclusion
Leaving Pai was hard. As soon as I recovered from the emotional turmoil, it was time to go. Radek kept telling me that it would all be waiting for me when I got back, but given my history, I have a hard time believing him. From November until January, I was walking along the bottom of the ocean. It was cold and lonely there. I moved through various stages of shock and grief and PTSD symptoms. I felt everything and waited patiently to resurface. In order to do that, I had to let go of a few people and things that I loved and the loss was devastating. Recovery was slow and hesitant.
Leaving Pai feeling high (on life) feels like a badge of honor. After everything I experienced, I'm shocked and beyond grateful. This season, my integrity was tested and I'm proud of the way I showed up. The way I left, feeling calm, loved, and supported is proof that I'm moving in the right direction.
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