Slipping off track & Stepping into truth

We’re not always honest with ourselves are we? Sometimes, it’s hard to see the truth or we just choose not to see it. What does it mean to step into our truth? Is it radical honesty? Is it embodying your values and standing in integrity? 

Recently, I had to check myself. Coming back to Pai, has be nourishing in some ways and completely exhausting in others. High season is upon us and it’s only going to get more intense from here. There are certain intentions that I set for myself on arrival that I haven’t managed to accomplish yet. The simplest thing being a regular routine. 

Finding a regular routine in Pai can be a challenge because it seems like nothing's ever on time and everything is always changing. My nervous system has been cracking under the pressure of cry season. I’ve been operating in a high state of anxiety for the last week or two. The stress is brought on by instability in my sleeping habits, triggers from my intimate connections, and perhaps over-socializing. 

The new moon is upon us and I took a look back at the intentions I set for last month. Routine was the first on the list and the last thing on my mind. I’ve just been waking up here, there or everywhere and not having much stability. No wonder the rest of my world feels unstable. 

I lack balance.

Life has a plan

Well, my work priorities have changed. I thought I’d make more space for teaching online than I am, but the reality is, the hours I want to work aren’t popular for students. As a result, I’ve started offering dance classes, cacao ceremonies, child care services, and teaching a student in person. This is generating income in addition to the few hours of online teaching I’ve managed to keep, but there’s not a lot of consistency. That’s been a struggle for me. Every time I feel like I’ve started to get into some semblance of a routine, another thing shifts.

Though things are up in the air, I feel that with the rise of high season, there’s a stabilizing force pushing through. It’s hard to describe, but it's like roots of a tree grounding to the earth.

When it’s meant to be…

When it’s meant to be, I find myself being lifted and flying through the air with ease. I find synchronicities everywhere I turn. I guess that’s the confusing part about living in Pai… There are so many opportunities. If you don’t know what you want and what direction you’re going, life will throw a million invitations at you and laugh while you try to sort it out.

When this happens, the answer is often simple: be still and know. 

I haven’t been in stillness. All the restorative practices I engage in have been as a reactive measure whereas I’m usually more proactive at maintaining my own sense of peace. Right now, I have an unfinished art project and an unfinished writing sample waiting for me. Suddenly, I’m blocked creatively. Usually, when this happens, I invite stillness into my life. I slow everything down and choose what’s simple. 

Going to that yoga class I’ve been meaning to attend. Setting new moon intentions and referencing them regularly. Painting for fun instead of for work. Doing my evening writing and daily check list. Maintaining a calm nervous system during cry season takes effort and attention. Being constantly stimulated by other people and inconsistency in the outside world doesn’t have nearly as strong of an effect on me when I’m showing up for myself regularly.

The truth is, I haven’t been doing that.

The truth is, I’ve been stressing myself out about things I have no business worrying about. 

 I fell into a hole

Part of me slipping off track has a lot to do with my inability to maintain healthy boundaries in my intimate connection. Neil and I have been exploring things for a few months. Neither of us felt ready to commit to a partnership and wanted something open, light, and easy. Instead, because of our wounds, we created the opposite. Instead, I was at his place multiple nights in the week, we were coordinating, and spending most meal times together. It was overwhelming. It was not just overwhelming because we fell into a more serious relationship than we planned, but Neil has been going through some things. I didn't realize how much his life situation was effecting me until I literally hit rock bottom in terms of emotional availability. I wanted so much to help him and show him that he was loved that I kinda forgot to live my own life.

When I reached a boiling point, I pushed him away hard. It hurt both of us, but was also a stabilizing force. It put pressure on us to confront the truth of our connection and find balance in what we were trying to cultivate together.

We decided to take space and we kinda failed. We still saw each other every day (in shared public spaces), but only shared a few moments together instead of the prolonged time were spending before. Taking space gave each of us the chance to self-regulate. Both of us had become dependent on each other in some way of another. The space reminded me to my own needs and in doing that, I felt a surge of energy and confidence.

Suddenly, I recognized myself again. I was standing in my power. Both the warrior and the nurture. I was taking what I needed, holding space, being a leader, and embodying a carefree spirit. I was decisive and calm. I knew what I was doing even when I didn't It was amazing! As a result, Neil and I naturally drifted back to each other in a more honest and true way.

Now what?

So what does stepping into truth look like for me? Well, it’s being honest with myself without passing judgement. It’s taking intentional steps back in the direction that I meant to be going in. Neil and I had intentions to have an easy and light connection this season and instead, fell head first into a relationship resembling a serious partnership. I had intentions of establishing a routine and instead, have been in a constant flow state. I had intentions of living close to my favorite spot in town and instead, opted to live on some land with my friends 20-30 minutes from there. I had intentions of doing online work and instead, have gravitated towards promoting events, teaching classes, offering cacao, and exploring different options.

Part of this is life guiding me to a truth I didn't know was right for me, but part of this is my own laziness and lack of discipline.

What I put my attention towards magnifies. What I focus on encourages life to give me more of that thing. Stepping into my truth is all about practicing acceptance and realigning to what I know is right for me.

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