Ethical Non-Monogamy Field Notes

I’m pretty inexperienced when it comes to ethical non-monogamy (ENM). The more I play, the more I realize how true that is. My last relationship sparked curiosity and that lead to a season of experimentation. I finished my last post thinking that ENM wasn’t for me, but in reality, I keep swinging back to it. Understanding myself and figuring out which relational structure works for me has given me a lot to consider. Here are some field notes from my experiences.

Personal History 

All my life, I’ve been curious about sexuality and different relationship structures. Even before I had the language to describe it, I operated from an ENM stand point. Seeing poly couples on TV was a source of disgust and entertainment to people in my family, but it never bothered me. In my marriage, I always got in trouble for being to flirty or close with people of the opposite sex. At university, I’d invite one lover to date me and another woman openly (instead of behind our backs), but he was ashamed and insulted by this suggestion.

I started playing with openness and non-monogamy among travelers and it started out as a practicality. I was feeling free and curious and I wanted to explore. There were sometimes months and hundreds of miles between us, so having multiple lovers seemed sensible, but I never tried ENM in a serious partnership until I tried it with my most recent ex boyfriend.

He and I had talked about having some sort of ENM relationship from the beginning, but when I had the chance to go on a week long date with someone else, I was riddled with shame and conflict. I wasn’t sure if I was going againtst my values or if it was a trauma response. Luckily, I’ve recently found myself a few connections that are safe to play with. It strains my nervous system, but I know from personal experience that in time, I’ll find a calm and comfortable answer to the question: What kind of ENM is for me?

Curiosity and Containment

Curiosity gives direction and containment offers stability. Curiosity tells me what I might be interested in trying and containment keeps me feeling safe. Some people have a large bandwidth for uncertainty or ambiguity, but given my history of trauma, I’m not one of those people. Luckily, as time goes on, my ability to discern compatible partners from incompatible ones has increased.

One connection last season was sweet and playful. We were curious about each other and had a flirty friendship that made me giddy. Once it was clear that this was mutual, we spent a day cuddling, talking, and exploring intimate, non-sexual, touch. I felt seen, nurtured, and calm, but I also felt conflicted. During the date, he informed me that he was available for intimacy (emotional or physical closeness and vulnerability), but not romance (emotional bonding and relationship building). At the time, I wasn’t available for that level of intimacy without romance so we slowed things down. We were still flirty and touchy and spent quality time together, but we stayed within the limits of what we were both available for.

Curiosity drove the interaction which gave us information and then containment made it sustainable and nurturing for both of us. For me, this is what healthy ethical non-monogamy looks like in practice. 

Hinges and Taking Responsibility

A hinge is a central partner who is dating two people that aren’t dating each other. For example, I was the hinge between Johan (my ex boyfriend) and Will (a love interest). Though the two men knew each other and had met before, they only knew each other through me. I had a situation this season where Will was a hinge and he didn’t do a good job. One of his lovers was really stressing me out and I didn’t know that they were lovers. Marta, a more experienced poly friend, was pissed off on my behalf and I appreciated her perspective. I didn’t realize that Will had broken an important ENM code. It made me more considerate about my role in relationships and more particular about the people I’m willing to connect with.

Learning Limits

When I realized how little I actually knew about ENM, I immediately stepped into a beginner’s mindset. A beginner’s mindset is the practice of approaching life’s challenges as if you are experiencing them for the first time. First timers are less likely to assume they have all the answers and more likely to approach a challenge with questions and openness. 

There’s one love interest that I’m dating who feels like we might be compatible as primary partners. In the beginning, I was feeling anxious about his connections with others and asked him a lot of questions. He answered thoughtfully and in detail. At the end of that conversation, I felt heavy and realized that I actually wasn’t available to hear so much. Some of it was helpful, and some of it hurt. I thought this pain and discomfort was a sign that I failed in some way, but Marta suggested that this could be a point of reference for where my limits are. She assured me that the amount of sharing exchanged between partners depends on the individual. Some people genuinely enjoy hearing details, while others are comfortable just knowing that other partners exist. Neither is better or worse, but knowing which suits you helps maintain healthy and balanced relationships.

Conclusion

I’m playing with different levels of intimacy, interest, and intention. This approach invites slow connections that evolve naturally and in good time. I’m still not exactly sure what kind of ENM is for me, but in the meantime, I happy to be connecting with people in a variety of ways that make me feel loved, supported, and on my way to having an honest answer.

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