Intro to Ethical Non-Monogamy

I first fell into ethical non-monogamy in Costa Rica. I developed feelings for multiple people at the same time and felt extremely confused. Walking with a friend one morning she asked, “Jaye, do you think you might be polyamorous?”

The thought had never crossed my mind. Later that day, I started to do some research on polyamory and other forms of non-monogamy. This post is an introduction to the concept to discuss what it is, how to do it, and some personal stories. Carry on if you’re curious. 

What is it?

Ethical non-monogamy is a relationship structure where all parties agree to engage in romantic or sexual relationships with more than one person. Under this umbrella are a million different options.

Polyamory, for example, is an agreement to have multiple loving committed relationships. This could take the form of one primary partner and multiple “side chicks” or a less hierarchical approach where people just live their lives and all partners are equal.

Open relationships seem to be more about sexual intimacy. In this structure, partners are free to have casual sex outside of their primary partnership. 

Polygamy is different from polyamory… though I guess some polyamorous structures can fit inside the definition of polygamy. It’s like a rectangle is a square, but a square isn’t a rectangle kind of thing. Polygamy is where one person has multiple partners at the same time.

When it comes to non-monogamous relationship structure, people can really make up their own rules based on what suits them. The list goes on, but essentially, consent and communication are at the core of any ethically non-monogamous relationship.

Why do people choose ethical non-monogamy?

It varies from person to person. Most often, it seems that people like freedom. Even one couple I met was technically non-monogamous, but they rarely see other people. There’s something about knowing that your partner could be open with anyone and they choose to come back to you that makes some people feel deeply loved.

Also, it's a way of distributing needs. Perhaps your girlfriend has a kinky curiosity that is a hard “no” for you. Being ethically non-monogamous would give her the freedom to explore that desire without breaking up the relationship.

For other people, it just comes naturally. There are some people I know that non-monogamy suits them. It makes them happy and they feel fulfilled and satisfied in their lives. It’s just another way of being.

The reasons vary, but it all comes down to personal preference.

How does it work?

Confidence

Ethical non-monogamy works best when the people involved feel secure in themselves. When your partner can have anyone they like, it’s best to not compare yourself or go into “storyland” with a bunch of hypothetical situations that are rooted in fear. Understanding your worth and having confidence in yourself makes this relationship structure successful. 

In my opinion, ethical non-monogamy isn’t a relationship structure for insecure people. I mean, you could try, but you’d probably end up hurting yourself and/or your partner(s) in the process. Of course everyone has some insecurities, but for people healing from trauma or heartbreak… Work on yourself first OR be extremely honest with potential partners about your emotional availability so that they can consent with full awareness.

Clarity

Being honest with yourself and your partner(s) is essential. Johan and I started our relationship monogamous because that was my preference. From the beginning, he expressed interest in an open relationship. I was curious, but not convinced. In the past, I was able to maintain fulfilling non-monogamous relationships when I didn’t have a primary partner and was traveling all the time. I wasn’t sure, but was willing to try. After a few months of dating, Johan proposed we open up our relationship. I went on a couple dates with another man and… the results are in:

I don’t think I want a non-monogamous relationship.

Being clear about your wants and desires or your lack of awareness around your wants and desires makes a difference. Moving around without a clue can lead to some messy situations. I might also add that listening to your partner(s) makes a difference. Actually listening. When you listen honestly you can form reasonable expectations. Johan didn’t expect me to be in an open relationship. I was clear about my uncertainty and willingness to try. I knew he wanted something open and I thought I did too. I was curious, but in the end, it didn’t suit me.

Communication

Being honest and secure are great, but without effective communication, they can only get you so far. Communication around boundaries, limits, and preferences is the most important part about maintaining a successful non-monogamous relationship. If you choose to have a primary partner, it’s constantly coming back to them and reflecting on how things are going. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, honoring the agreements that you make with your partner(s) is essential. If communication isn't strong, it could put unnecessary stress on the relationship.

Being able to communicate well is a skill that takes practice. Some of us grew up in families that taught us this skill and others didn’t. If you’re not the best at communication, consider looking into radical honesty or nonviolent communication techniques. These can be really handy.

Final Suggestions

If you’re reading this post because you’re curious about trying ethical non-monogamy, here are a few final suggestions:

Go Slow

One friend who has been ethically non-monogamous for over a decade with his partner suggests to move slowly. Don’t jump in and reflect about how you feel each step of the way. Be curious and open. 

For some couples, dancing with other people is too much. Some say that holding hands is the limit or maybe non-monogamy ends with emotional intimacy and is only about sexual pleasure. Maybe someone is concerned about their image and what people would say if they were open. Or what they think it means about them. 

Find the line and go there. See how it feels. Then, decide the next step.

Acknowledge the conditioning

Another thing that I would add is to try your best not to feel ashamed. We’ve been conditioned to believe that monogamy is the right way and non-monogamy is wrong. When a man that I felt attracted to offered me emotional support, I felt like I was cheating on Johan. I felt ashamed of my desire for someone else. Though my behavior was within the limits of our agreement, it was difficult for me to receive this care from someone other than my primary partner. It didn’t feel good. Part of it might be the conditioning, but another part of it is that honestly, I just want to be with one person right now.

The thing about life is that it’s best to play and have fun with it. I was curious. We were curious. So we let go and play. In the end, I learned for myself what my limits and desires are. There’s no shame in wanting multiple partners or not wanting multiple partners. It doesn’t make some people better or some people worse. It’s a choice. A very personal choice that not all communities support, but in the western world… it seems like there’s more and more space for it so why not give it a go?

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