Partnership & Personal Responsibility

Right now, I feel like I’m about to explode. I’m in Rishikesh, India, and feeling utterly alone. Johan left to do some missions while I finish the work week and go to an ashram in nature. I’m counting down the days to go to that ashram (2 nights down and 2 to go).The first night alone, I was feeling alright. Johan left for his overnight bus towards an old friend and I called Liam, who had just sent me a message asking how India was. I went to sleep with a gentle headache and woke up with a full blown migraine, low fever, chills, and body aches. The first few hours were miserable and at the crack of dawn, the construction started. 

I tried to maintain as honest of an attitude as possible. I’d remind myself that this unpleasantness is painful and difficult and that it wouldn’t last forever. It’d be okay. But the ringing of the saw and the banging of the hammer made it impossible to hear myself think. I wore earplugs or headphones, but still, it was a struggle and all the time my inner wounds reminded me that I was alone. The comfort of traveling with my partner (and of living with others over the last year) had a crippling effect on me. I grew used to someone checking in and offering support and fell out of the custom of taking care of myself. There was no one around who could go get me soup or massage my temples. I was alone. With myself. With my aching body. In the loudest country on earth.

Johan’s decision to go on his solo mission touched on many old wounds. The timing was the worst that it could’ve been, but that was our own fault. Regardless of the timing, it would’ve touched on these wounds. The day after Johan left, I reached out to a sister that I met in Pai. She was in the area and wanted to meet up. Unfortunately, when I got off work, she became unexpectedly unavailable. (More time with myself- yay.)

When she first messaged about cancelling our plans, I responded with a lot of care and compassion even though all I desperately wanted was some company. At that moment, I was reminded of who I am at my core. If Johan had made plans and cancelled, I would have some feelings about it. I would respond with the right words, but the wrong attitude or the wrong words entirely and he would feel it. I take his needs so personally when they don’t include me…

And the story continues

Since I’ve started dating Johan, there have been a few changes in me. This is pretty normal as partners tend to naturally influence each other. Johan has influenced me to be more decisive and express my needs clearly. I usually do this in platonic relationships, but with people I’m dating, I find it difficult. I’ve gotten a thicker skin and have become a little more assertive in my desires whereas I used to be more go with the flow.

Since I’ve started dating Johan, I’m learning more about geopolitics. Not because I’m interested in geopolitics, but because he loves talking about it. I’ve also learned a lot about microbiome and gut health. Cryptocurrency. I get to hear many extravagant stories about topics that are generally prompted by a simple yes or no question that he just can’t explain in such simple terms. He’s passionate and not all of the topics are my jam, but listening to him is (most of the time). He raises points that I don’t normally bother myself with and it gives me a different view of the world.

In platonic relationships, I take very few things personally. And even when I take things personally, I manage my response well, but with Johan, I’m quite transparent. I don’t hide my fear or disappointment. I don’t package it in an easy to digest bow for his convenience. I accept this part of myself, but I really want to work on it. I want to work on being a safe space for him to express his needs and make requests and be received with compassion and care. How is it fair that this person I’m the closest to gets the worst response from me when he expresses his needs? Jeeze!

Since beginning this partnership, it’s like insecurity after insecurity after insecurity and wound after wound after wound shoved into my face. It reminds me of the first three months of travel I spent crying in the jungle plucking weeds. Damn, not this again. Luckily, it's been 4 years and my ability to manage myself has improved substantially, but still, how do I be better for myself and for my partner? This is not the reality that I want for us or for my own future. There’s no way in hell that I want to carry this with me, with us, anymore.

The thing is, I knew. I knew there were some wounds that I worked on in my single life that wouldn’t have the chance to be fully healed until I entered into partnership. The nature of a committed partnership is so different from other relationships. I’m raw and vulnerable with Johan in ways no one else sees. I’m developing an attachment to him and it feels safe. I will be a million different versions of myself in this life and if I’m lucky, I’ll get the chance at having a life partner to see me through the most of it, but what I cannot bring with me are these wounds and insecurities. They simply don’t match my vision for partnership or for life. I think the biggest change in my life as a result of partnering with Johan will be letting go of my acceptance and complacency with these insecurities. It’s time that they evolve because, with all do respect and nothing but love, no.

This is not going to be my reality anymore. 

I guess the thing is that now, there’s not a “hypothetical partner.” There’s a real man who loves me, accepts me, and wants to be with me and is directly impacted by my inability to cope with normal parts of our relationship. It’s not worth hurting him any more than I already have. So if it means that I spend more time crying alone, triggered by my loneliness, okay. If it means more times saying the right thing the wrong way until my body catches up, fine. If it means letting Johan in on all the insecurities without shame or guilt waving the flag of fear of rejection at the same time… I’ll do it.

Say more...

Today, I was crying after a quick call with Johan. We hopped on to sort out my bus to reunite next week. India’s infrastructure is notoriously unreliable and for some reason, I was unable to make the purchase despite numerous available seats. I was on a break from work, but didn’t have too much time. He was in the forest with his friend and her boyfriend learning basket weaving… something I would’ve been totally hype to learn except I wasn’t invited to the party. I wasn’t there 1) because Johan needed space, 2) because my anxiety pushed Johan away, 3) because I didn’t actually want to travel that far north, and 4) because there was unlikely to be reliable internet for me to work. STILL, my inner child was so sad and felt left out. Even now, I feel left out at not having been invited… at Johan’s choice to spend quality time with other people and not with me.

And that’s the reality of how I feel.

It’s kinda ugly. Kinda unhealthy. Kinda clingy, but this is the reality. And though I share all these things with Johan, I still don’t think that it’s his responsibility to change his behavior for my perceived comfort. If he did that, it would just give the insecurity more power. Before he left, we made an agreement that we both felt comfortable with. Even though I was anxious and afraid, I didn’t ask him to change his plans, I asked him to prioritize quality time before leaving India. After India, we will be apart for 4 weeks while I travel solo in the UK. Based on my work schedule and the ashram schedule and the fact that we waited to take space until the end of our time in Asia, it was tough, but we managed. We set a date for when we’d meet up again and agreed to reserve space for quality time when we were back together.

In our partnership, we are allowed to hang out with other people and maintain other friendships. We are allowed to have dreams, visions, and aspirations outside of our partnership. We are allowed to express needs and desires. We are allowed to take space when it’s necessary (or even when it’s not). We are allowed to say yes when it's a yes and no when it’s a no without any explanation. We are allowed to be ourselves... I just don’t want him to be limited by my insecurities- not if I can help it. 

I love myself dearly. I love my life’s story with all the tragedy and triumph. With all the wounds and wisdom. I see myself. I have compassion for myself. I understand myself. AND it’s time to transform. Because my dreams are my reality and if I continue to feed my mind with doubts, it’ll continue to produce that in my waking world. If I continue to cry about things that are normal and allow my unhealthy patterns to dictate and control me and my relationship, I will get nowhere when it comes to healthy partnership. Johan is on my team. He is my boyfriend. He is my partner. He is open and curious and a happy, willing, participant in our committed partnership. Of course he has his own things to work on too, but for myself, if I want to maintain a healthy relationship (with him or in general), my choice is to either suffer alone or get over it.

So friend, that’s it for this blog post. Thank you for reading my ramble and as always, if you feel like you’re getting value from my content and would like to support my craft, you can offer a donation at Buy Me a Coffee or consider subscribing for more, exclusive, content. Thanks for your love and support. Cheers to a healthy humanity!