Green Flags in Dating

All the time, people are calling out red flags. Red flags for unhealthy work environments. Red flags for the guy you went on a date with last night. Red flags for new friends. It’s definitely helpful to have the language and awareness to identify potential threats; however, I think it is equally important to have the language and awareness to point out the green flags too - the healthy behaviors that we want in our lives.

What is a green flag?

A green flag is a positive sign or behavior that indicates a healthy connection or environment. We can look out for green flags to help us recognize when a connection, relationship, or space has a good foundation that aligns with us. Green flags can help us filter out and prioritize relationships that are likely to be the most successful, uplifting, and joyful. 

Flags in Dating

Given my past trauma and amazing (sarcasm) track record with dating, I spent most of my 20s looking out for red flags. Any time I was going on dates with someone, I would be on red alert searching for any flaws, cracks, or potential threats. I realize now that this was a trauma response. My anxiety acted like a protective part trying to keep me safe from repeating past experiences. Unfortunately, this hyper-vigilant behavior was (1) a red flag for healthy, secure men, and (2) didn’t help me filter for the good behaviors that I wanted to attract.

Recently, I started going on dates with a good friend of mine and there are an overwhelming number of green flags. I don’t know how this happened, but I feel incredibly lucky. Before I started seeing him, I was in a relationship with someone else. Though my past partnership had a few green flags, I was also ignoring the red ones. The green flags with this new love interest are just impossible to ignore and it makes me have a lot of compassion for the younger version of myself that thought she had to settle. 

I’m learning how to recognize green flags in other areas in my life too. Within friendships and certain spaces, my perspective has shifted from looking out for warnings to simply recognizing and gravitating towards what feels good.

Examples of Green Flags

You compliment each other

When I say “compliment” I’m not talking about compatibility. I’m talking about literal compliments. This is a seemingly simple green flag, but I noticed that when I’m in a connection with someone and we both use our words to spread love, share joy, and lift each other up, it has a profound effect on the general health and well being of the relationship. Sometimes, I’ve fallen into connections where we are regularly analyzing each other and offering feedback. Receiving feedback is helpful, but when it’s all the time, it can start to feel like your partner or love interest is against you. So green flag if you notice yourself naturally mirroring this behavior.

Showing up consistently

Another green flag I’d like to point out has to do with consistency. Sometimes, I’ve dated people before and they’ve been consistently inconsistent. A green flag is when a person regularly shows up when they say they will and proves to be reliable. It signals that they’re available and interested. That’s not to say that this person is expected to be perfect all the time, but even when mistakes happen, if they take accountability and work towards a solution, that’s a great thing to notice and appreciate. 

Calm nervous system

Anyone else out there not that familiar with a calm nervous system? Damn, was this the biggest signal ever! I’ve been working for years on regulating my anxiety and feeling secure within myself, but when I noticed that level of peace and calm on a date with Neil? That was the biggest green flag for me. Goodness gracious. We could play and joke and be serious and none of it triggered my anxiety. In the past, I blamed my anxiety. When my nervous system would activate, instead of taking space from a person or place, I’d take it as evidence that I needed to work harder… Why work harder when I could just choose to be around people who make me feel calm? Like… what the fuck? Why didn’t I consider this sooner?

Mistakes aren't a deal breaker

Is it safe to be your flawed, imperfect, self? Is it safe for the other person, too? When you can make a mistake, apologize, and be forgiven without the other person holding a grudge, (and vice versa) that is an incredibly nurturing green flag. Why? Because it builds intimacy and creates a safe container in the relationship. It means that you can let your guard down. Vulnerability and deep authentic relating are likely to follow after that. 

Final Thoughts

What are some green flags that you look out for? Leave a comment below! When it comes to life and dating, I’ve found that searching for green flags has had a profoundly positive effect on my life. It helps me focus on what I want instead of what I don’t and it feels less heavy. Though I only named a few green flags in this article, there are so many others to look out for. I’ve found that looking for the green flags is a good filter that helps me be honest about what works and what doesn’t. It’s not an all or nothing game. It doesn’t mean if someone makes me nervous, I avoid them forever. Simply put, this form of measurement helps me bring awareness so that I can follow what feels good.

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