Uncoupling with Grace: A Break Up Story

This was the best breakup ever… There are certain things that have to happen that we don't love. For example: registering our cars, paying taxes, or visiting our ailing grandparents. These are things we do that might fill us with emotions ranging from mild frustration to sadness or grief and anything in between. When it comes to the hard things in life, I’ve started to take an approach of trying to do all the things in the truest and most beautiful way possible. I find that it grounds me to the present moment more and leaves my body feeling lighter even when carrying heavy emotions in the body. This post is an ode to Johan, my recent ex boyfriend. I’m beyond grateful for the way that we’ve navigated our breakup. We’re not a compatible match, but we still have a lot of love for each other. Here’s our story about uncoupling.

Break ups vs Uncoupling

So I guess they’re the same thing, but to me, a break up is abrupt and uncoupling is more gentle. In the past, when I’ve broken up with someone, there’s generally been an immediate separation. There’s “the talk” and then quick action to take as much space from the other person as possible. Maybe that’s not how most people’s break ups go, but that was the case for my past partnerships. Someone always felt hurt or betrayed. Johan and I took our time. We had been struggling to find a balance for a while and when we ended our partnership, we immediately followed with, “But I still want to go to France with you.” Committed to having fun, we set off south to process everything together. After a few days on the road, we’d arrive at a farm where we planned to work for a few weeks to settle into our new friendship.

Context

At the beginning of the year, Johan and I fell into a relationship. It was fast, but life kind of encouraged it. We were traveling and saw potential. We didn’t really have the space to move slowly. It was more like, “I have a flight to Nepal on the 3rd of April are you coming?” In Nepal, I didn’t know it, but I got pregnant. By June, I learned I was pregnant by having a miscarriage… It was only 6 months, but damn did life throw everything at us. We climbed mountains together (literally and figuratively).

Johan was the first to speak on our incompatibilities. I was recovering mentally, physically, and emotionally from the miscarriage and wasn’t really available for any decision making. I needed time and we saw so much potential. We really wanted it to work. A few weeks later, our incompatibilities became apparent and being emotionally recovered, I ended it. Life was pulling me back to Asia and encouraging him to stay in Europe. We wouldn’t have been happy and healthy in a long distance relationship and communication was a challenge. Johan agreed with me, but was hesitant. There was a part of him that didn’t want to let go. There was a part of him that wanted to keep trying even though our relationship was causing both of us an enormous amount of stress.

Uncoupling in Practice

We made a list of things we wanted to do together while still lingering in “partner” energy. We managed to do everything on the list except take LSD and exchange erotic massages. On the way to the farm, we spent the quiet moments in the car processing our relationship. We talked about the parts that worked and the parts that didn’t. We shared our grievances, practiced forgiveness, and expressed gratitude. When the part of him that wanted to keep trying clashed with the part of me that was confident in our decision, we fell into old patterns and would argue.

That prompted the installation of, “The cookies are burning.” Our safe phrase that if called meant, “Stop. Don’t speak. Take space. Let’s come back together later.” Always, when we came back together later, we’d find a common understanding and that supported our continued calm path towards friendship.

Mutual Understanding

The main reason that Johan and I were able to uncouple with grace was simply that we were on the same page. Even though he had some doubts, we both accepted that it wasn’t going to work and that mutual understanding led to a new question: what’s the best way to end things?

We both wanted to have fun and honor the love we shared. We both wanted peace. The first week was difficult. In our defense, we were together constantly: driving, cooking, working, and sometimes sleeping together. When things were most tense, unknowingly and at separate times, we both called Jeremy for support. He reminded us of our shared desire and vision. From that moment on, anytime we fell off, we’d remember that we had the same goal and were on the same team.

Accepting the Awkwardness

When two humans who were once committed to organizing life together suddenly decide to hop on different paths, there’s going to be some awkwardness. Transitions are generally like that. Before, reaching for a hand or offering a kiss on the forehead was a welcomed sign of affection, but in the space between breaking up and becoming friends, where’s the line? There were moments that we both overstepped or tried to force things. Because of our shared understanding, we learned to quickly let it go.

In the beginning, what would’ve prompted an explosion of emotions and arguing turned into a simple, “That’s crossing a boundary,” and a response like, “Oh sorry, my mistake.” There was an air of accepting the awkwardness. We stopped being mad about it. We stopped taking it personally and learned the new limits of our connection while trusting the other person had good intentions.

Finally Letting Go

Three weeks after our break up, we finally parted ways. I felt a mix of emotions. On the one hand, I was relieved. It had been a long and emotional three weeks. We held so much space for each other and weren’t always honoring our individual needs. Watching him get on the train and head back to Belgium, I cried tears of joy at the process of breaking up finally being over. 

At the same time, the morning before he left, I cried for the opposite reason. I was working in the field alone while he was milking the goats. I knew he’d finish soon and kept looking over my shoulder waiting for him to join. Finally, he rode up on a barely functioning bicycle. I was so happy to see him and that made me realize that this person who has been a main character in my life would soon fade into the background. It hurt.

Conclusion 

Johan and I ended our partnership with mutual respect and so much love. We’d get to see each other one more time as friends before parting ways for real. The timing felt right and there was nothing left unsaid. Now, it feels good. We’re at peace with everything and excited for the other to have the space and freedom to focus on their own needs. I’m incredibly grateful for this final co-creation of ours. 

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