Quality vs Quantity : Revisiting Love Languages

It’s my last day before going to the ashram. I’ve written more in the last 2 days alone than I have in the last 2 months. Johan and I have been traveling together full time for those 2 months. In those two months, we spent a lot of time hanging out, making plans for the future, disagreeing, agreeing, in deep conversation, falling in love... Yesterday, I wrote the piece Partnership & Personal Responsibility. In writing it, I talked about my insecurities and wounds, but through writing it, I discovered the root of one insecurity as it directly relates to my partnership and not some old, unprocessed trauma from my childhood. 

Johan and I have spent a large quantity of time together, but not the best quality. 

The Five Love Languages

Have you heard of the book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate? It seems like a rebranding expert gave this book a new title. The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. I’m not sure which is right, but they seem to be the same. Anyway, I first came across Gary Chapman’s concept of love languages in university and read the first edition of his book while studying. If I remember correctly, he suggests that people have different “love languages” that they “speak” to express their love. If two people have the same love language, then it’s easy to give and receive love; however, if they have different love languages, maybe they misunderstand each other's way of communicating their emotions.

In no particular order, here are Chapman’s love languages:

• Physical Touch - hugs, kisses, hand holding, cuddles, or other forms of physical contact

• Quality Time - intentionally spending time together without distractions

• Words of Affirmation -  giving and receiving words of affection verbally and written

• Acts of Service - taking action, doing things for the person that are helpful or thoughtful

• Receiving Gifts - giving and receiving affection through tangible items that were selected with intention

Since the concept of love languages has become more popular, many online tests have become available, but are no longer free without signing up or paying for something. The original test was a series of questions where you select your preferences. At the end, you add up some numbers and that tells you your main love languages. This quiz doesn’t give you full access to an explanation, but it does let you see the numbers you selected. It’s been a while since I’ve taken this assessment. Here are my results from taking it again:

1. Words of affirmation - 9

2. Physical touch & quality time - 8 

3. Acts of Service - 3

4. Receiving Gifts - 2

The quiz is 30 questions long. Out of 30 questions, 9 times, I chose an answer that preferred words of affirmation. I chose physical touch 8 times, quality time 8 times, acts of service 3 times, and receiving gifts 2 times. This is more or less the same as in university. I think the only difference was that last time, physical touch was a 9 and words of affirmation was an 8.

Love Languages in Practice

Johan and I are still in the beginning stages of our relationship. We are still getting to know each other and enjoy the exploration process. I love so many things about my boyfriend, but one thing is obvious: expressing his affection verbally is not one of his strengths. Judging from the amount of hugs, kisses, and touches I receive from him, it’s safe to say that physical touch is one of his primary love languages. That’s one very important way that the two of us align. Usually, it’s easy for people to give love in the way they like to receive it. Though I’m sure Johan will take the quiz while I’m offline in the ashram (after this is published), for now, I’d guess that his secondary love language is receiving gifts or maybe acts of service.

Having different primary love languages isn’t a deal breaker in a relationship. Understanding these concepts and the way that one’s partner gives and receives love helps to foster compassion and empathy. By knowing that my partner’s love language is different from mine, I can choose to express my love in a way that he understands. I can choose to recognize the way he communicates even if it's not in a way that I might naturally understand.

Examples of miscommunications with love languages

Johan is not bothered if Jaye is on her phone while she listens to him share a story.

Johan is not bothered if Jaye never says “I love you” or “Thank you. I appreciate you.”

Jaye is sensitive about these things.

Jaye feels grateful for the dreamcatcher Johan made for her in Thailand, but has lost it twice and hopes that Johan has it because she currently doesn’t know where it is. 

Jaye was glad that Johan could help her buy a bus ticket when the system failed, but was more grateful for the 10 minute phone call it prompted than the help she received.

Reflection

After proofreading my last blog post, Partnership & Personal Responsibility, I noticed a pattern. When talking about my insecurities and wounds, I often mention being upset that Johan chose to spend quality time with his friend. Even though we have spent everyday together for the last few months, we haven’t taken many opportunities for quality time. We have fallen into the pattern of doing daily life together, but rarely go on dates or do special activities with intention. We have spent most of our time sharing meals, planning for the future, snuggling in bed, shopping, waiting in line, traveling on buses, in conversation, reading in silence, and sleeping. We trekked together in the Himalayas, but even then, the amount of quality time was limited because we were both tired, affected by the altitude, and trekked at different paces. 

Before reading what I wrote yesterday, I had no idea that within the web of my emotional explosion was a simple miscommunication related to receiving affection. After this awareness, I messaged Johan with specific requests for our last few days together in India. The root of each request is quality time. His response was affirming and filled with love. Knowing what I need and asking for it takes the guesswork out and allows me to get my needs filled. 

I’m curious to see if he has any thoughts or opinions on love languages after we talk more about it when we’re back together. I wonder if he feels satisfied from our shared language of physical touch or if he, too, feels a bit deprived when it comes to affection. At this moment, I’m grateful for his absence. (Oh my gosh! My triggered self yesterday would be appalled!) Honestly, we needed the space. And in that space, I’m gaining perspective on things that can make my partnership stronger and healthier.

Being in a committed partnership takes effort, time, and attention. I knew this and made space for it, but being here in the practice with Johan is much different than fantasizing about it while being single. I’m happy for the challenge and the opportunity to learn and grow with my partner. I’m happy that he’s the person I’m learning and growing with. I think these last 2 months will set a strong foundation for a potentially beautiful and long lasting relationship together.

Yay for love and healthy relating.

Alright reader, that’s it for this blog post. Thank you for reading my ramble and as always, if you feel like you’re getting value from my content and would like to support my craft, you can offer a donation at Buy Me a Coffee or consider subscribing for more, exclusive, content. Thanks for your love and support. Cheers to a healthy humanity!